Raeann

peace out

2004-02-24T03:12:51Z

as you know, i'm leaving this joint.

and i'm extreamly happy with my choices.

what a beautiful day.

..it's come down to making me laugh extreamly hard when people are negative tord me or my close friends. the things people will do for attention... its a shame.

i've adapted to the negativity of this world.

bananaz @ 2004-01-08T18:59:00

2004-01-09T02:53:10Z

hopelessly drift in the eyes of the ghost again. down on my knees and my hands in the air again. pushing my face in the memory of you again. but i never know if it's real never know how i wanted to feel never quite said what i wanted to say to you, never quite managed the words to explain to you, never quite knew how to make them beleivable and now the time has gone another time undone hopelessly fighting the devil futility feeling. the moster climbs deeper inside of me, feeling him gnawing my heart away. hungrily i'll never lose this pain never dream of you again.

bananaz @ 2003-12-27T13:33:00

2003-12-27T20:35:01Z

hm, my birthday is tomorrow.

ah..weekend fun

2003-12-09T07:52:48Z

becca and i got bored! JUST LOOK!!!
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.????
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.
26.

peircing fun!...

2003-12-05T00:30:56Z

*tenth time is a charm* ...or so i hope!

i'm back..

2003-08-23T07:39:31Z

yes yes i have returned to this journal again because i need to use slightlyfaded as a writing/drawing/venting storage place. so from now on i'll be updating about my days in this journal.

rawr.

2003-08-12T00:51:07Z

today was fun. i went to bed at 2am and fell asleep at 2:30 then woke up at 6am and dozed off till like 8. then maranda called around 9:30 and i was already ready then i waited till like 11:30 and shw still didnt call me back so i was gunna go to sleep then she called. rawr. we went to sunsplash and it was great fun. we went on slides then the lazy river like a million times. picked up some stalkers there, one loking the the 6 sence boy with long hair(aw). we went on one other slide then were watching the halfpipe slide thing and looked back and stalkers were there! we went and got trevors friend to go with us. we waited in line for 30min, i guess but it didnt even seem that long! sooo many people chickened out when they actually got up there and tevevor's friend was pasing and shaking cuz he was so scared. maranda kept letting people pass us to hold us back from going. i was pretty scared but not to bad. the lady was like "okay, DONT lean back, put you chin to your chest and lift your butt up" rawr. then she pushed us down. wowie! when you go down you feel like you are FLYING!! maranda screamed so loud. it was so funny. it was the funest thing i've ever been on! we wanted to go again but we had to leave. sad times. stalkers waved bye with a sad look. OH! and there was a guy with his neck pierced. man, i want it so bad!! it looks awesome. that and my nose with a ring.

oh man the STATICX show is tonight. fuckin sucks man, i forgot all about it!! siiigh!!

blaaaaah

2003-08-07T20:20:02Z

feeling like the world has turned its back on me.
or maybe i've just turned my back on the world?
either way it all sucks and i dont care to wake up.

hello, my name is distance.

2003-08-04T11:02:05Z

i thank god for me having a friend like maranda. thanks for caring marnada and thank you so much for letting me escape this hell of a place. it really ment a lot to know you cared to help me get away for a while, thanks. um, yeah...life is pretty sucky i'm trying to keep away from habits and then other habits appear. i guess there is no way around it. *SIGH* school starts soon, maranda isnt gunna be there. i'm gunna be scared and lost without her.-pouts- shes a bully and left me. um, if she doesnt come back by next year then i'm going to Gilbert. aw, thatd be so sad. mustard and relish are supposed to stay together!! they dont split apart on the hamburgers or hotdogs. ha, yeah. bye.

the blood has run cold. sigh

2003-08-01T01:11:37Z

avoidant

social anxiety disorder (SAD)
-- an intense, irrational, and persistent fear of being scrutinized or negatively evaluated by other people. People with SAD, also known as social phobia, tend to be sensitive to criticism and rejection, have difficulty asserting themselves, and suffer from low self-esteem.</a>

WHICH PERSONALITY DISORDER DO YOU HAVE?

........silence...........

2003-07-22T23:22:02Z

man oh man.
marnada i'm sorry for everything i have done that might have hurt you in the past week. i know i'm truly blessed to have a friend like you. i seriously dont know what made you hold on to me and stay by myside. i am so glad you did though. i'm glad that ashley made me realize what a bitch of a friend i was being tord you for even hanging out. she says she would have hated me then if she were in your place. thank goodness it was you instead of her. man, i could only imagen how much pain and anger it must have caused you. i am so so sorry. i wish i could take it all back. but i cant. all we can do is move on. i just want to get my apologize out before we move on. so, i'm sorry. thanks you for everything you have helped me with though! i heart you so much...your my other half.

becca hm... maybe i shouldn't have been so harsh on you when you and eddie began dating. but you have to realize how much it did hurt me the fact all you ever did was hang out with him. it was as if you totally forgot who i was and like i was dead or some kinda ghost. i seriously felt like i was a walking shadow to you. we quit having our nightly talks considering you had your arms rapped around eddie. and still to this day we havent had our 'becca and raeann night'. yesterday was a good day. we actually hung out and talked all day...but the reasons behind that is because eddie is in cali. but i guess i should just understand that hes your boyfriend and you enjoy spending all your time with him. its just hard for my to realize that considering you and i used to do EVERYTHING together. we wouldnt go one place if the other wasnt there. thats was hurt me the most is when you started going all these places with out me. i felt stranded. but i've learned to deal with it and be glad that you have found eddie and you are so happy. i'm sorry for harmful acts or words i might have done or said to hurt you. i didnt mean them it was just an act of jealouse or something. i'm glad to have you as my sister and i'm glad we have such a close friendship bond. thanks becca. i heart you.

nathalie....i'm not trying to avoid you or anything. i do want to be close again like we were months ago. i'm sorry if i am one of the people you are hurt or upset with. i'm not sure how you feel about me but it seems you'd like for me not to exist. almost like you'd rather never talk to me again. who knows maybe i'm getting the wrong impression or maybe i'm getting it all right. since there are no attempts to talk to me. maybe i should just not bother and let you come about if you'd like to be my friend again. i dont exactly know what happened to make you feel the need to no longer talk to me. i thought things were going good but it all seems to have dropped again. i dont know maybe i'm just taking it all in the wrong ways. i'm sorry if you think that i seem to be avoiding you or something because i'm not in anyway. i'm sorry things some how got werid between us and i'd like to just forget about all that.

ASHLEY! i am so glad you and i began to talk again. we are now closer then ever. i feel as if i can tell you anything. and i do. i'm so glad that we began talking more. you are such a great person and i love you for that. you make me laugh so much and i think you should come live with me! haha. you are the bestest and you always speak the truth. thats another thing i love about you. you never lie about what you think or feel and you'll say flat out. thats great. thanks for making me realize what a bitch of a friend i was being to maranda. i'm not sure if you know you made me realize that or not but you did. and i thank you for that. i'm sorry for anytimes that i wasnt there for you and if i've ever made you feel like crap. thank you so much for being there for me and helping me with problems. i heart you bunches!!!

to everyone else that i might have hurt. i am sorry. i have realized how selfish i can be at times and i'm sorry to everyone that has had to put up with that B/S. really. <33

ya man...

2003-07-07T02:50:30Z

today my mom asked me if i wish my dad would move here and i said yeah and thatd i'd go live with him. so shes been ignoring me ever since then. dumb. hm, becca is at eddies and i'm bored. everyone is out and about today while i sit here being bored. jennifer saved my life lastnight. *phew* it was a close one man. thanks goodness she was there to save me. haha. yeah fun times. i dont like how things have been lately while hanging out with everyone. i dont know i get annoied of some people. yeah i wish things were different. maranda and i talked we have a lot of the same feelings and we've both slipped and no longer have much of christ in our lives. i'm hoping that we can just help eachother since nobody else cares. ugh , piss off man.

I lie awake at night for hours...straining in the dark to see it in my minds eye.

2003-06-12T01:41:23Z

am i just following a shadow of myself? am i just losing it. i just wish i knew the answer....all i know is that its there, in the darkness. always in the darkness. i find myself journeying deeper and deeper into darker side of life. the side that society likes to shun away from and pretend it doesn't exist or blame when something happens. what people like to laugh at, but cringe when alone with no one to laugh with them.

he is so amazing. my mind goes crazy and wonders so much while i speak with him. uncontrolable thoughts are floating threw my mind and have not place to go. what shall i do with this feeling? shall i speak of or no longer wake? if for only one night i could be held in his arms i'd astound with glory and complete.

bananaz @ 2002-08-01T18:12:00

2002-08-02T01:14:36Z

my journal is FRIENDS ONLY! It works like this:

1.you comment me and say your gunna add me to your Friend list.
2.there is a 99.5% chance that I will add you back!
3.you'll then be able to read my journal and leave comments! ;D